10 Years Married!

Hello Friends,

Last month I wrote one of my most popular newsletters to date; Uncomfortable Conversations.

The newsletter resonated with a lot of people and I received a bunch of emails from readers. The majority of those emails asked if I had any thoughts or tips on having uncomfortable conversations with a partner.

It’s a complicated topic and I am not a psychologist or relationship coach. But, due to my type A personality I have gone down some rabbit holes to better understand relationships. I’ve also tried some stuff, sometimes to my darling wife’s dismay.

2 weeks ago my wife and I celebrated our ten-year wedding anniversary. You don’t get through ten years by being complacent. Well, you don’t do it well by being complacent. What I mean by that is relationships, like anything in life take work. And, anything that’s important to you is worth working on.

It’s strange how many people will study books on marketing, investing and community building but few will study books on relationships. And, those that do usually start doing it when the relationship is already going downhill.

If you’re a sprinter and you want to knock off a few seconds from your 100m time, you hire a coach. Someone with experience who can set you up with a game plan to make you the best sprinter you can be.

Why don’t we have the same mindset for our relationships with our partners? If we want to be the best partner and have the best relationship we can, we will need some coaching and guidance. Maybe not in year 1, or even year 5. But, trust me, at some point, it’s in your best interests to get a game plan. For some, relationship coaching is a great way to hold both people accountable. For others, if you love to learn like me, smash through some books and take out the important bits and pieces that work for you.

There are of course many pieces to the puzzle that is a good, or bad relationship. There are many strategies you could take and it’s best to use trial and error to find the right ones for you.One of the most important, if not the most important piece in the puzzle, in my opinion, is communication. Everything from planning a simple night out, to dealing with difficult kids and understanding each other’s needs all comes down to communication.

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and Difficult Conversations by Sheila Heen are two books in particular that I reference often when I think about good partner communications. I’ve re-read them both recently in prep to write this newsletter and I’ve taken out the key concepts and highlights to share with you.

We often find ourselves in a maze of thoughts during difficult conversations, traversing through the what, why, and how of the situation at hand. These conversations are not merely about resolving a dispute but are a path to understanding and empathy. We need to try to shift from a monologue of accusations to a dialogue of understanding.

PreparationPreparing for a difficult conversation is akin to charting a path through a dense forest. We often rehearse scenarios, preparing responses to anticipated rebuttals. Yet, the crux lies in transitioning from preparing to speak to preparing to listen.

Deal With Feelings First Often by the time we’re having a difficult conversation, we’re already filled with feelings. We then don’t address these feelings directly at that point. They then become the energy that drives the conversation. Feelings are what gets translated into blame, arguments, and accusations. If we address how we each feel treated before the conversation begins, this resolves a usually bigger underlying conversation.

Share how you feel in relation to what you observe, steering clear from blame or accusations. We can tell our partner how we feel without blaming them for feeling that way. Remember no one can make you feel something. You choose to feel a certain way and react a certain way. Often our feelings are a result of our own thoughts and unmet needs.

Curiosity & ObservationThe first negotiation is actually a negotiation with yourself. Shift the purpose of the conversation from being right or wrong to understanding the other person’s thoughts. Get curious about why you both see things so differently. Engage in the conversation with a curious mind. Redirect the dialogue from blame to discovery, and seek to understand the other person’s perspective. “What are you most worried about here?”. “What do you think I am missing or not seeing?”

When we start with curiosity we listen to what the other person is seeing and how they interpret it.

Begin by sharing observations free from evaluations, focusing on what you both see, hear, or imagine. By stating what we imagine when a scenario happens or when our partner says something it excludes any blame. It’s a comment, that our partner can then understand from a neutral place.

We can’t always see the other person’s perspective even though we may think we can. So ask them to explain it or show you. Not only can the two parties see things differently but are perhaps seeing different things.

Requests & NeedsBalancing empathy with assertion is key. It's about understanding the other person's feelings and perspective while also expressing your own needs respectfully. You can be empathetic and listen but also still be assertive in your own thoughts. Almost all conversations are not about being right or wrong, good or bad.Express your requests clearly without demanding, aiming for a constructive resolution. We don’t want requests filled out of shame or obligation.

I am not sure where it comes from but for some reason, we’re scared to express our needs. If we can’t express our needs to the person closest to us then we will never be able to. Expressing what you need is not being selfish. Tell yourself that over and over again. If you are both comfortable enough to express your needs then your relationship will thrive.It is impossible for your partner to know what you need at all times, it is much simpler to let them know. At least give them a chance to try and meet those needs.

As you steer through the tumultuous waters of difficult conversations. You are not just aiming to reach the calm shores but also enriching your relationship with the treasures of understanding, empathy, and a stronger bond.

The essence is to shift from a battleground of right and wrong to a playground of understanding and mutual growth.Embrace difficult conversations as they are the bedrock of strong, long-lasting relationships. Transition from a mindset of accusation to one of curiosity and understanding. Embarking on the voyage of difficult conversations might need a hearty dose of courage and an open heart, but the rewards are boundless.

Difficult conversations ARE the relationship. If we find a way to have them constructively the relationship will thrive.

Peace, love and muscles.Jarren

A Gift From Me to You

Below is a link to download my template for a couple’s monthly check-in.

A relationship 1-on-1 is a monthly check-in with your partner. It is a scheduled time, each and every month to touch base and discuss each other and your relationship. This is not a replacement for everyday connection, it’s a monthly supplement. It’s easy to get caught up in life and forget to focus on each other. The process builds intimacy, trust and accountability.

Click here to download.

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