Focus on What Matters

Happy Sunday Friends,

It doesn’t matter if they want to wear a pink tutu with a green vest and leather boots.It doesn’t matter if they don’t want to brush their teeth before bed.It doesn’t matter how clean their room is.It doesn’t matter if they’ve already had one treat for the day.It doesn’t matter if they can’t ride a bicycle.It doesn’t matter if they don’t like the same things you like.It doesn’t matter if they want to wear lipstick and eyeliner.

What matters is that they do things with kindness, honesty and confidence. What matters is that they are happy and fulfilled.What matters is that their lives are filled with too much laughter and love.

I have two incredible daughters. Both have strong characters with strong opinions. On almost everything!My youngest, who will be 5 in a few weeks is a handful. More accurate would be to say she’s an emotionful. She is too mature for her years and knows exactly what she wants. My wife and I have struggled a little with her over the last few years. It’s hard to balance guidelines with a child's emotional needs.

At her preschool, they recently decided that all the kids would need to wear the same, school-supplied hats for outside play. My little fashion designer was NOT happy with this turn of events. She came home and expressed her frustration to us. We calmly explained that there are rules at every school and in life and sometimes we have to suck it up and follow them. “There isn’t much mommy and daddy can do about this, sorry.”

But, (always encouraging our girls to stand up for themselves) we suggested if she wasn’t happy she could discuss it with her teacher.The next day when I went to pick her up from preschool guess which hat she was wearing? I went to chat with her teacher who had a huge smile on her face. I asked her what happened.She proceeded to tell me that when it came time for outdoor play she told Riley to put on her new hat. Riley looked at her, held the hat up and said; “This thing is ugly and it doesn’t match any of my clothes. I am not wearing it!” 

This is the pocket rocket we have living under our roof.

A common phrase any parent knows well is “pick your battles.” And it’s true, some fights are just not worth having. Sometimes a bout with my daughter can feel like getting into the ring with Mike Tyson. I almost always come out second-best. 

Over the last 3 years, I’ve read quite a bit on child psychology. It’s how my brain works; have a problem, learn about the problem, try to solve the problem.I can tell you that 80% of the strategies in those books were not helpful. I’ve come to one conclusion on my own, purely from trial and error. And getting emotionally punched in the face too many times.

Simply focus on what matters!

Frustratingly I should have realised this earlier. It is very stoic.The majority of the biggest battles in our house are over the smallest, insignificant things. What clothes to wear? Wearing the same clothes 4 days in a row. Not wanting to eat lunch. Wanting another snack etc.

So, now when the negotiations begin.?Which is usually a prelude to an upcoming fight. I ask myself this; “Will this matter tomorrow?” If the answer is no, and 99% of the time it is, then I raise the white flag and walk away from the battlefield.

Am I teaching my daughter that she can always get her own way?I’ll tell you why I don’t think so.Because we haven’t got to the argument stage where she realises if she screams and shouts then I give in.She has leant if she asks the question and can tell me why she wants to do something the odds are I’ll be ok with it. And, if it makes my life easier then I am all for it.

There is not much worse than starting my day arguing with my kids.

I focus on the lessons that matter.If you don’t ask you don’t get - confidence. Being nice gets you far in life - be kind.Listen & speak calmly, even in a stressful situation - communication.And, I’m focusing on creating a calm, nurturing environment. Well, I’m trying.

For my non-parent readers, this week’s post may not resonate with you as much as the parents but, the key learning here still applies. It could be an argument you’re having with a friend or partner. Or, it could even be a decision that is disrupting your life./Ask yourself the same question; “Will this be important tomorrow, next week or next month?”If the answer is no, which most of the time it will be, then don’t let it disrupt your life.

Yes, it is a simple framework. No, it’s not easy to implement. It will take conscious mindfulness. The first few times you’ll only realise after the fact, while you’re replaying the scene over and over in your brain that it wasn’t worth it. Then, it’ll happen while you’re mid-battle. You’ll stop yourself and realise it’s not worth continuing.And finally, you’ll get better at pre-empting these situations entirely. 

We are emotional chunks of meat. And we love drama. So changing your mindset to avoid getting into a fight or flight state isn’t easy. But, it will change your life when you can do it.

Peace, love and muscles.Jazza

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