Let's Get Uncomfortable

Happy Friday Friends,

So much of life is about having uncomfortable conversations.Is there ever a time after a difficult conversation when your life doesn't improve? No.Then why do we avoid them like pickle-flavoured ice cream?

When you’re too scared to go into an uncomfortable situation who are you concerned about? Who is going to be more uncomfortable? Is it you or the person on the other side of the table? I wonder how often we think the other person will be uncomfortable but in actual fact, we’re avoiding the talk because we will feel uncomfortable.

In most cases, the other person will also feel relieved when we start the discussion.So that means we’re protecting ourselves from feeling awkward. Often the things in life that are the most painful give you the most disproportional gains.

Think about some of these conversations you’ve avoided or had to have in the past. High-school breakups, salary increase requests, telling your boss you’re leaving, breaking some hard news to your parents. The list is infinite.

You’ve been dating your partner for a few years now. As always, it was perfect when it started and has now dwindled over time. No one is at fault but the relationship is now about as exciting as brushing your teeth.The odds are you both feel it.You’re almost waiting, hoping for some big “event” to give you an excuse to pull the trigger. You’re waiting for someone or something to find your spine for you.

At some point, the conversation will happen. It will be hard. There will be tears (even though you both knew this was coming for months) but, when it’s done you will both feel relief. And, more often than not you will both end up with someone else who is better for you than you were for each other.

I remember being in a job early on in my career. I had been looking for a while, it was right in the middle of the GFC 2009. I took the job even though the salary offer was lower than I’d have liked. But, I was happy to get work and for a good company.

I got through the first year and then I remember being more and more resentful about my salary.I “couldn’t quit because I wouldn’t find something else.”I “couldn’t talk to my manager because business was tough.”I also put off talking to my manager because of fear.Of what? I have no clue!So another year went by. Now I’m 2 years behind where I want to be. I hate waking up every morning and I am demotivated to work because I don’t feel appreciated.

I decided I had to have a hard conversation because I couldn’t carry on like this. My manager offered only a slight increase. I was not happy and ended up quitting.What happened after that? Well, I found another job at a better company that paid way more than I was even after.

What did I learn from this situation? Not that these conversations are good. Not that I was capable of having these conversations.But, I wasted a year in a job I hated, for the pay I wasn’t happy with all because I was too scared to put on my big boy pants and have a difficult conversation.

The stress from keeping yourself in these holding patterns can be debilitating. It’s unhealthy for your body and your mind. The irony here is by avoiding the conversations you know you need to have, you’re thinking about it way more than you should be.

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg is a fantastic book. I read it some months ago because I wanted to improve how I approached arguments and discussions with difficult people. I've pulled out a few key highlights from the book that will help you navigate some uncomfortable conversations.

I'm assuming you’ve found some courage lying around somewhere and you are already in the conversation. Unfortunately, there isn’t much I can do to force that part.

Observation Without JudgementRosenberg emphasises the importance of observing situations objectively, without attaching labels or judgments. This helps to open the door for empathetic communication. Part of getting this right is viewing the situation with as little emotion as possible. Challenging I know.The key here is to be clear on what you’re observing, free from any evaluations.You want to use statements like; “When I see/hear/imagine…”

Express Feelings ClearlyOne of the core principles of Nonviolent Communication is the transparent expression of your feelings. Voice your opinions without blaming or accusing the other person. This makes it easier for the other party to understand where you're coming from.You’re expressing your feelings in relation to what you’ve observed.

Needs Over StrategiesThe book argues that most conflicts arise when people confuse their needs with their strategies to meet those needs. It is easier to find common ground when you focus on the underlying needs only.This means you want to avoid preferences or specific actions and definitely no “thoughts”.“... because I need/value a,b,c.”

Making Requests, Not DemandsRosenberg highlights that making clear requests instead of issuing demands can foster more empathetic interactions. When people feel like they have a choice, they are more likely to respond in a positive way.

You’re expressing a request that would enrich your life without being demanding. What are the concrete actions you would like to take, or the other person to take to get to the outcome you want?

Empathetic ListeningA significant portion of the book is dedicated to listening with empathy. Not just to the words, but also to the emotions and needs behind them. By doing so, you create a space where a meaningful and respectful exchange can happen.

We have all had difficult conversations in our lives. Some of us have not had enough of them and so we’ve closed many doors. We will never know what was behind that door, which for me is frustrating. I want to open and explore as many doors as I’m presented with, or at least have the choice to do so.

You’re going to be standing at the door to leave and you’re going to ask yourself; is this conversation even worth it? You’re going to look back into the room where you’ve been sitting, it's familiar, comfortable and warm.If you choose not to open this door and step out into the unknown. Remember that you already know what happens if you stay. Is "here" where you want to be?

Open the door, walk out and close the door behind you.

What are a few uncomfortable hours in a lifetime of growth and happiness? I’m not a betting man but, the odds are in your favour. The odds are that once you’ve closed the door on that conversation, the next one you open down the passage will promise a better life.

Peace, love and muscles,

Jazza

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