The Hardest Job in the World

Happy Friday Friends,

I'm a father to 2 very special little humans. My daughters are 2 and 5 years old. This week I had a few rough mornings! I got to work and felt like my day should be ending not just beginning.

“Is it me? Is it us” is what runs through my head often. I love my daughters. I really do adore them. But, they sometimes make it very difficult for me to be the parent I’d always imagined I’d be. There are often times I don’t love being a parent.

Does that make me a bad parent? Or even a terrible person?

I often hear people say their lives had so little meaning until their kids were born. Or, they didn’t understand what their purpose was until they started raising kids.“You’ll never regret the children you have but you may regret the ones you didn’t have.” A religious leader told me this many years ago. Well, they have to say that. What else do you say when you’ve already got 6 with another bun in the oven?

The strange thing is when times are challenging I don’t want to spend less time with my kids. I want more time. I worry that time goes by so fast. I want moments filled with too much laughing and giggling. And, yes you can sprout nonsense like “without the bad, you can’t appreciate the good.” Insert eye roll here.

But, in reality, a lot of time spent with kids is a pendulum of emotions. You swing from crazy-fun to Mr Hyde-like chaos. A better analogy is a wrecking ball, not a pendulum. I'm not greedy or unrealistic. I’d be happy if 70% of the time was fluffy bunnies and unicorns shitting rainbows.Is this a thing though? Are there parents or families out there who sit down and think to themselves, “wow, we never fight or argue with our kids? Life is grand.”?

Maybe it’s a "dad" thing. My wife also has moments where a wheel comes off the track for a few metres. But, I often come completely off the rails for a few kilometres. My wife seems calmer, more accepting of the challenging times. It seems like mothers are better pre-programmed for parenting than fathers.

So, is it me?

Maybe it’s my operations-led brain working overdrive. I want to optimise. Control the situation and focus on an outcome that is beneficial to everyone. In this case, the outcome would be loving, laughing, adventurous experiences together. To me, that doesn’t sound like a lot to ask.

What I’ve come to realise off the back of this is that children are such an unknown variable. There is so much we, as parents or guardians can’t control. How can we expect to control the situation when our kids can’t even control themselves?

We got a puppy about 3 months ago. Before the stork delivered him to our door I did some research. I read a couple of books and watched a bunch of Youtube videos on puppy training. I applied some of those well-tested principles to my training over the last few months. And, we have a relatively good, happy little pup.

This got me wondering, could I do the same with my kids. Of course, children are way more complex than dogs. There are many more variables to deal with and different stages of life. But, are there books, videos, talks by child psychologists that I could learn from?

This is not a weird concept. When you start anything new you’re shit in the beginning. You have to teach yourself from other people and add your own experience to the mix. Over time, with focus and dedication, you get better. Why is parenting different?

Before women go into labour they attend pregnancy classes. They teach you everything to expect from the birthing process and the early days. Why aren’t there any parenting classes? Or, at least a class to inform us about the category 10 hurricane that is hurtling towards us.Why are we expected to know what to do? And, worse, we then expect ourselves to be great at it. If there was a way to learn a few principles on better parenting I’d pay for that course.

A mate of mine dropped a message in our group chat last week. He and his wife are expecting their third kid. Their youngest at the moment is about 4, or 5.

I don’t get it.

Some people love parenting so much that they decide to dive back into the trenches. When your kid gets to about 4, that’s when the white flags are being waved and treaties are drawn up.

But, NO! Some of you decide you’d prefer to go to war again.

I’ve got a theory. People need to be needed.

From birth until 3 or 4 years old kids adore their parents. And, for the most part, even if they fight with us, they need us for almost everything. They depend on us. Not just to feed and wipe their bums but they need love and affection from us. There are studies that show a direct correlation between caring parents and more well-rounded adults.

My youngest sometimes tells me “I love you to the moon and back dada” and then asks for a cuddle. Those moments make my heart burst from my chest. Every time I wish I’d captured it in more than just my brain’s memory. That adoration ends around year 5.

So my theory is that people have a couple of kids. All is well and everyone is happy.Then, the youngest turns 6. The parents suddenly realise they’re not needed as much. They’re not needed in the same ways. No one to feed. No nappies to change. No one to pat to sleep. And, last but certainly not least, a dramatic drop in weekly cuddles. It aligns very well with their comments about "not being fulfilled until they had kids."

Faced with this empty chasm, they freak out. And the scramble begins to put another bun in the oven.If I’m playing Switzerland for a while, I can understand where they’re coming from. But, when I think about no more patting, feeding or changing I want to throw a party and scream it from the rooftops. I miss cuddles for sure but I’m happy to trade a few cuddles for no more "poonamies". (That's what my wife calls massive, leaked through everything poos).

As with everything in life, there are ebbs and flows. Some moments with my kids will be magical and I’ll wish for more of those. And, there will be moments where I want to rip my hair because my “give-a-shit-o-meter” is all out of shits to give!

I suppose It all comes down to your mindset to manage the hard times. I’ve realised I shouldn’t expect myself to know everything about parenting. I won't be perfect in every situation. But, I can expect that I don’t keep tackling challenges in the same way. I need to be more conscious of what I can learn and apply next time. I can be calmer.

This week was just one of those weeks when every day seems like I’m pushing a boulder uphill. A week that felt like a month. But, I carry on because I could wake up tomorrow morning and be showered in cuddles. I carry on because I love that they need me.

Have a good weekend. Ride the waves. This too shall pass.And, tell someone you love them to the moon and back!

Peace, love and cuddles.

Jazza

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